Shengliver’s Note: This journal entry was written in March, 2021. With the teen writer’s permission, it is posted on the blog.

In the past year my world has been turned totally upside down. I am writing this down in the journal to record what I went through. I do not want to let my parents know about it. Nor do I want to tell Mr Landmine, my class director. I would like to share it with you, Shengliver.

When winter vacation started in January 2020, no one expected a nightmare was to unfold. Covid erupted in Wuhan, our provincial capital, and in no time, it spread all over the country and wreaked havoc on our normal life. To curb the rampant virus, shops and businesses were closed. One city after another across swathes of the entire country fell under a clampdown. Streets were deserted. Overnight, bustling communities turned into a ghost town. When the Spring Festival holiday was over and it was time for the new term to begin, lessons went online, the freeze still on.

It was the first time ever we had tried remote learning on such a large scale and for such a long time. The beginning was like a honeymoon. Everything was fresh and fun. At first, I followed the teachers closely on the PC screen and got my homework done in time. The first couple of weeks was easy and well organised.

We had thought remote learning would not last long. Every time we asked our teachers and parents when we could go back to normal school, the adults told us that the lockdown would be over the next week. Everyone was wrong. As it was protracted into weeks and months, our distress manifested itself.

For one thing, long sedentary hours at the screen hurt. Some teachers were terribly boring. What was worse, our homework load did not become lighter because of Covid. On the contrary, we found we were fed even more by the responsible masters during this difficult period than at normal school. We started to resent it. Rebellion ensued.

For another, distractions were just a click away online. To entertain ourselves, we played online games when we were fed up. To lighten our workload, we shared answers and copied from each other.

Eventually, unfortunately, copying homework and playing PC games during a class became common practice among us. So contagious was the trend that it spread like wildfire, no slower than Covid did. Gradually I found myself doing games for one class, for two classes, for one hour, for two hours, until a whole day I was gaming. It was not only me, but also a lot of my schoolmates doing it. Even virtual gaming communities were built by us. Every day the masters were teaching online on schedule while we were gaming on our PC.

In some weekly and monthly tests, we got incredibly good grades by collaborating smartly online with each other. The teachers were aware the shiny results were not our true performance, yet they were helpless. One week, they had our parents sit with us through a test so that cheating would not happen. As a matter of course, I failed the following tests given online by our teachers. The miserable results shocked my parents and they lost their patience. Sometimes I told myself I must pull myself out of the dilemma, but I found myself hopelessly hooked on gaming. I could not help it and the lure was too strong. Besides a lot of my buddies were doing the same thing. That single fact helped assuage my guilt.

One day I was on cloud nine, gaming merrily, when Mother pushed open the door and walked in. I tried to shut down the game promptly but it was too late. There was nothing on the screen but the game scene. Father followed in and smacked me.

In September, 2020, I became a sophomore. Normal lessons replaced remote school. To my disbelief, a number of my classmates, who were way below me in lessons in middle school, had worked their way up in the past few months by sticking to a more balanced life, and therefore they got very good grades in the tests after regular school resumed. I felt very sad. Every time someone asked me how well I had been getting along during the lockdown months, I felt awful. Under a calm face, I felt my once massive ego being deflated inside when the high achievers were showing off their glorious marks after a test.

In October, I started to date a girl in our class, charmed by her looks. We spent tons of time together, on and off, for about three months. I had been fancying Alice since Day 1, when the new class was formed. One day, to my shock, I found myself ditched by the girl. Alice had not fallen in love with me at all despite the tons of time we stayed together. When the truth dawned upon me, it broke my heart. Now we hate each other like enemies. This failed whirlwind romance hurt me so much that I did not have the heart to study seriously from October 2020 until January 2021. I did not take away Alice’s heart; nor did I harvest a decent grade.

2020 saw me go through one folly after another. I slipped into an abyss but managed to pull myself out before I found myself engulfed in flames of my passion. I could not appreciate more the advice all my teachers give on teen romance: Do not date in high school; leave it until college. I used to be an excellent boy, who was honest, diligent and discreet. I achieved one exam success after another, but it is all history. With wounded pride, I am determined to recover my former self. It will not be an easy thing, but I believe in the saying, “Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.”

So far, I have picked up some good qualities I shed in the rotten days. I tell myself to practise self-discipline when the temptation pops up. I get my homework done punctually and, more importantly, I stay honest in tests whatever others might be doing.

Last but not least, something important to you, Shengliver.

Thank you for reading the above. What I did in 2020 might have shocked you, but they were all real. Due to my inadequate English, some awkward sentences might puzzle you, but I have tried my best.

This is the longest English piece I have ever written. I hope you do not recount my experiences in class or exploit my writing to play new tricks on me. By writing about this downhill leg of my journey, I want to solidify my resolve to be a better person. I would appreciate it very much if you could keep my secrets just to yourself. Thanks a million.

Shengliver’s Reply

Thanks for sharing, Qing. I will not betray your trust. What you have written down is just between you and me.

To err is human. Temptations lurk all along our life journey. If we forsake our goal or are beguiled by the serpents (temptations), our life journey will be leading nowhere.

I hope you keep in mind the lessons you have learned from the remote lessons and those from your fruitless romance. Reorient yourself to your goal and fight for it. Self-discipline is the key!