Shengliver’s Note: This entry was first posted back in 2012. In it, my readers will learn about a teen’s reaction to a suicide around her. This chilling yet comical piece is credited to Ms Zhang Xueting, the teen writer.

Today as I was walking into the classroom, my deskmate whispered in my ear, “Did you hear the news, Xueting? A student in our school committed suicide two days ago.”

“Really!?” I exclaimed. Startled, I could hardly believe my ears. YYHS is a celebrated institute at least in our town, anyway.

My classmate added, “Rumour has it that a freshman jumped off her dorm and died. It is the talk of the campus now.”

Although the rumour hadn’t been confirmed then, I was shaken to the core.

Looking back on my childhood, when I became aware of death, I often toyed with the idea of committing suicide. As a primary school pupil, I fantasised that if people died, they would get freedom and could lead a worry-free life in another world. They wouldn’t need to do tons of homework; and they would be spared repetitive tellings-off from their mums. The coolest thing was that they could inhabit a remote nook called Paradise, which would shelter them from tedious school assignments and sharp tongues. Luckily, as naïve as I used to be, I didn’t do the stupid thing.

As the years rolled by, I left behind childhood and became an adolescent. At times, I found myself still dwelling upon my suicidal tendencies. During some stages of high school, it felt as if I were groping my way through a pitch-dark endless tunnel, where I was mired in a morass of insurmountable difficulties. Lessons were boring, people cold, society cruel, and I worthless. I couldn’t understand some guys’ behaviour, which was totally beyond my imagination. The days I was plunged into despair, an impulse to kill myself surged to erase it all. Fortunately, I was not brave enough to execute it. Also, there were still worldly pleasures that I found too irresistible to part with, such as music and games.

Now, on the threshold of adulthood, I have come to see that life is not always what you want it to be. You can learn to live with something you hate, but should there be no way you can tolerate it, just turning a blind eye to it is also a good idea.

Thanks to my lack of bravery, I am still living in this imperfect but real world.